HOW BEING BULLIED AFFECTED OUR DAUGHTER

 

Luckily, our daughter has always discussed everything with us, so we knew there were problems with bullying at school.  When the death threat phone calls arrived, she was obviously scared.  The calls would come in when the bullies were together or having a sleepover and we would get calls all weekend – late into the evening, one evening coming in at 3am.  Every time her phone rang or a text arrived, she was increasingly anxious.  Every morning she did not want to get up to go to school, she was so scared she couldn’t have breakfast and on the drive to school she felt sick with worry.  One day we were almost at school but she couldn’t go in and we had to drive away for a while before she managed to go in.  She lost all her confidence and had no self-esteem.  During school every day, she was being bullied.  She could not, therefore, concentrate on any lessons as she was constantly anxious about what the bullies were doing around her.  When she came home she would talk about the bullying that had gone on that day and was obviously exhausted from the stress of the day.  She stopped wanting to go out when she came home or at weekends – she didn’t want to go into town in case she met the bullies.  Home was her only safe place.  She lost trust in others, and felt that her family were the only people she could trust.  She got more and more depressed as each week went by, and would burst into tears regularly.  Eventually, we took her to our GP and she was diagnosed with depression.

 

We were SO proud of her strength even at her lowest point.

 

Obviously, Kim’s education has been hugely affected by bullying, and therefore her future will be affected too.

 

THE EFFECTS ON OUR FAMILY

 

My husband has been seriously ill with cancer and has been having treatment over the last two years.  We all feel, without doubt, that the effect of the bullying on our family has been worse than the effect of the cancer.  It has taken a huge amount of time and effort to deal with everything from helping our daughter, to dealing with the police, the school, our lawyer, and doing work on trying to change the way bullying is dealt with in schools.  As our daughter was at home and unwell for a long time, and was taught at home, I had to stop work.  I was self employed, so the business is now having to close – all because of bullying.

HOW IS BULLYING HANDLED IN SCHOOLS TODAY?

 

From our experience, our feeling is that everyone involved in education thinks they are handling bullying effectively.  Head teachers believe they have effective anti-bullying policies.  We hear Head Teachers stating, time after time, that they don’t have a problem in their school and that bullying is always dealt with effectively.  We know that is not true.  If that were true then the thousands of children being bullied every day would not be too scared to go to sleep at night for fear of waking up to face bullying again the next day.  In our experience, the anti-bullying policies look good on paper, but in practice they are useless.  Why are they useless?  BECAUSE CURRENT ANTI-BULLYING POLICIES ARE JUST PAPER EXERCISES, ARE RARELY PUT INTO PRACTICE AND EVEN IF THEY ARE, CONCENTRATE ON THE VICTIM RATHER THAN THE BULLY, THEREFORE MAKING THE VICTIM EVEN MORE OF A VICTIM.

RESEARCH

 

I have done a lot of research on the way bullying is handled in various countries, and there is overwhelming evidence that (apart from the home) the leading cause of youth violence is the bullying, teasing, harassing, and tormenting that occurs in schools.  Frighteningly, in the States, the national cases of school shootings show a critical element behind the shootings was relentless teasing and harassing that eventually exploded into violence.

 

Again in the States, one report shows that:

 

-             Bullies identified by age 8 are six times more likely to be convicted of a crime by age 24 and five times more likely to end up with serious criminal records by age 30.

-             Aggressive behaviour is learned early and becomes resistant to change if it persists beyond age 8.

-             80 per cent of adolescents report being bullied at school

-             A high number of students stay home at least once a month because of bullies.

-             Boys and girls usually bully same sex classmates with female bullying taking an indirect, manipulative form.

-             EFFECTIVE PROGRAMMES TO PREVENT BULLYING CAN ACTUALLY REDUCE THE LEVEL OF VIOLENCE IN A SCHOOL.

 

I believe that what happens in the States comes to the UK a few years later.  There are increasing numbers of reports of very young kids taking weapons into schools.  We are concerned about violence in our society.  We are concerned about truanting.  What strikes me is that it is only common sense to start with the root of the problem – which is bullying.  If we put an end to school bullying, then that should have an ongoing effect on reducing violence, truanting, and in future should reduce bullying in the workplace and domestic violence.

HOW SHOULD BULLYING BE HANDLED IN SCHOOLS?

 

Like many other things in society, I believe we are concentrating on helping the perpetrators of violence and crime, and doing little if anything to help the victim.  We need to change that.  Schools have a policy of Inclusion, and this means that bullies are very rarely excluded and if so, it is usually for a few days.  In our own situation, through no fault of her own, our daughter was out of school and we had great difficulty obtaining six and a half hours of home teaching.  The bullies were in school being taught every period of every day.  The bullies were never excluded from school, and their education was not interrupted at all.

 

Why is every school spending time producing their individual Anti-bullying policy?  Why shouldn’t one expert team produce one policy, backed up by government legislation, which all schools must follow?

 

At present, the Government has no idea how many children are being bullied in schools. 

 

At present, the Government has no idea about how many children commit suicide because of being bullied.

 

At present, the Government has no idea about how many children self harm because of being bullied.

 

If an adult received 75 death threatening phone calls and texts, immediate action would be taken by the police against the perpetrator of the crime.  If an adult is ‘happy-slapped’, the police take action.  If an adult is hit or punched, then the police would pursue and charge the perpetrator.  If an adult is bullied in the workplace, then the victim can take action against the employer.  If an adult receives any form of domestic violence – physical or emotional – then action is taken by the police.  If an adult receives a racist remark, police take action.  If an adult receives a remark about their sexuality, police take action.  If an adult receives a remark about their religion, police take action.  EXACTLY THE SAME IS HAPPENING TO THOUSANDS OF CHILDREN AND YOUNG PEOPLE WHO ARE VICTIMS OF BULLYING ON A DAILY BASIS – WHY ARE WE ALLOWING THIS TO HAPPEN?????

 

I believe:

 

-                  The Government should produce one Anti-bullying policy which should be used by all schools and which should be backed by legislation, showing disciplinary action, expulsion or civil or criminal penalties as necessary.

-                  The Government should produce a Code of Student Conduct which should be used by all schools. 

-                  Anti-bullying policies MUST have clear BOUNDARIES and MUST have CONSEQUENCES.

-                  The Code of Student Conduct must have consequences for failing to meet the Code.

-                  There should be no retaliation for reporting bullying, otherwise that person should face the same disciplinary action/expulsion/civil or criminal penalty as the bully.

-                  Any incident of bullying reported to a school must be logged and a report written up by the school.  A copy of that report must be given to the parent or guardian, and also sent to HMI.

-                  The current Government policy of Inclusion should be stopped immediately.  If bullies continue to bully after a warning, they must be removed from school and dealt with outwith the school environment.

-                  I would suggest there should be a special school for Indiscipline or Bullying, where culprits must complete one successful term before being able to return to their normal school.  Obviously sufficient warnings would be given prior to this action being taken.

-                  The Government currently has Equal Opportunities Commission, Racial Equality Commission, etc, and I believe there needs to be some form of Bullying Commission to deal with bullying in pre-school, school, the workplace and domestic violence.

-                  Everyone – from children and young people to the Prime Minister must accept that bullying is wrong and we will not tolerate it in any form.

-                  We must educate children in order to stop Bystanding – being a bystander supports bullying.

-                  It is very important for a victim of bullying to have an admission from the bully and the school that the crime of bullying did take place, and a sincere apology should be given to the victim.

 

I have many other ideas, but these are the main ones which would bring about huge change in the problems our young people are experiencing.

IF YOUR CHILD IS BEING BULLIED

                                           

If your child, or any child you know, is being bullied, please take action to help them today.  I am not trained in this field at all, but we have VAST experience of bullying, and sometimes practical experience is better than any books or education in a subject!  

 

I will assume that by looking up this web-site, you have already supported your child and have spoken to the school and done what you think you can, but your child is still being bullied.  Certainly, by the time we looked up web-sites, we were at our wits end and really didn’t know what more we could do.

 

When any bullying goes on, I would always suggest you keep a diary of absolutely everything that happens, no matter how small you think an incident is – this will help you and the school to see a pattern of behaviour emerging by the bully, and will also help you if your situation continues and you need to take further action.

 

We spent too long thinking that the school were taking the correct action against our daughter’s bullies, when they clearly were not.  We trusted that the school would do the right thing and they did not.  We trusted that they would complete the Bullying Log with our daughter’s incidents and they did not.  We trusted that they would follow their own Anti-bullying policy, which they did not.  We did not want to cause any trouble, but now wish that we had put everything in writing and asked for confirmation from the school in writing.  We should not be embarrassed to do this – it is not our fault that our children are bullied, and the school should be more than happy to do this.  Schools should be very willing to ensure that the proper procedures are followed and that everything possible is done to put an end to bullying.

 

So, I’d suggest you do the following:-

 

-                  Continue to keep a diary.

-                  For any serious incidents either at home or school, ensure that the police are involved from the start.  There are laws in place to protect children from assault, harassment and malicious communications, and you have a right to ensure they are used to protect your child.

-                  Write to the school to ask them for a copy of your child’s file, which they must give you.  This should show you how good or bad the school is at recording your previous notification of bullying incidents.

-                  Write to the school to ask them for a copy of their Anti-bullying Policy, then check line by line to ensure that it has been followed in each case of bullying against your child.  If not, highlight their omissions in writing and ask for a response.

-                  Write to the school to ask them for a copy of the school’s Bullying Log.  We were given our daughter’s bullying log, with names removed, but we were still able to identify – from dates and venues - that NONE of our daughter’s bullying incidents had been logged at all.  If your incidents have not been logged, write to the school to point that out to them and ask them to write to you with their reasons for not logging the incidents, to ensure that the incidents are logged now and to send you a copy of the log once that has been done.

-                  For any future incidents, phone the school to notify them of the incident and follow up your call by writing to the school to confirm details of the incident and your call, and ask them to confirm details of the incident and action they have taken back to you in writing.

-                  I would suggest you copy all correspondence to the Head of Education in your Local Authority.

-                  If matters do not improve, involve your Member of Parliament, who can take up your concerns with the Education Authority on your behalf.

-                  If necessary, take legal advice.  Legal Aid should be available.

-                  If necessary, remove your child from school and tell them that it is their duty to ensure a bully free and safe environment for your child and your child is removed until they do that.  It is the Education Authority’s duty to educate your child at home until they meet that requirement.

 

If you do all of the above, your school should realise that they must take you, and the issue of bullying, seriously.  Remember – you and your child are doing nothing wrong – you are only asking the authorities to do what they should have been doing all along.  You must do it for your child – they cannot do it for themselves.

 

Remember, your Head Teacher has a duty to prevent all forms of bullying among pupils and to ensure acceptable standards of behaviour of pupils.

 

Also, the Head Teacher must have effective strategies against bullying.

 

The Department of Education states  that ‘Bullying is not an unpleasant fact of life.  People can do something about it. People learn how to bully and they can unlearn it.  Nobody wants to come to school where you’re frightened of who’s going to say what or do something.  When you have to worry about that you can’t learn anything’.

 

There are many laws already in place to ensure that no-one is bullied, and you can ensure they are used to protect your child.

 

The Government’s own circulars state that ‘The emotional distress caused by bullying in whatever form – be it racial, or as a result of a child’s appearance, behaviour or special education needs, or related to sexual orientation – can prejudice school achievement, lead to lateness or truancy, and in extreme cases, end with suicide.’ How many more children will die before the Government takes action to STOP BULLYING?

CONCLUSION

 

I am sorry for you if your child is being bullied.  Above all, I am sorry your child is having such fear and unhappiness at a time which should be carefree and fun.  With the benefit of hindsight, we should have been firmer with the school from the start – and should have put everything in writing.

 

The bullying which our daughter received will have a long term effect on her, but hopefully the fact that she has spoken out has empowered her and stopped her feeling ashamed.  She now knows she has done nothing wrong.

 

Again, with the benefit of hindsight, we should not have tried to make Kim go into school to face bullies every day.  That affected her health.  There is nothing more important in life than your child’s health and happiness.  I would say that nothing is worth affecting that.  She is now happy again, and she is enjoying learning again.  Remember – there are always alternative to school and to having to take exams at set times.  Teenagers can leave school early and go to College – that may suit some people better than school.  If your child doesn’t do their exams when they ‘are supposed to’, they can always do them at any time in future – it’s not the end of the world.  As another person said to me recently when I said I’d rather have a happy and healthy child than send them to school, “I’d rather have a child who’s alive”.

 

So – at the end of the day, there are things you can do and alternatives to education, but it doesn’t get away from the fact that:

 

THE GOVERNMENT, LOCAL AUTHORITIES AND SCHOOLS SHOULD BE TACKLING THE PROBLEM OF BULLYING URGENTLY TO ENSURE IT DOES NOT HAPPEN. 

 

I hope you manage to ensure that your child’s school stops the bullying.    Please write to your MP or MSP – or direct to your Education Minister or Prime Minister with your concerns.  The more this issue is talked about and out in the open, the more chance there is of putting an end to bullying.

 

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